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June 23rd, 2007
03:43 pm - Animals That Ran Out In Front of My Car, Chronologically (New Mexico edition)
1-- Field mouse
2-- Field mouse (now deceased)
3-- Small lizard
4-- Cat
5-- Coyote
6-- Large elk
7-- Coyote
8-- Field mouse
9-- Human female
10-- Field mouse
11-- Groundhog
12-- Cat
13-- Small lizard
14-- Field mouse
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April 4th, 2007
05:48 pm - Searches That End at Bweinh.com
Following are some actual search strings that people have used to end up on our new website.
1-- fire brimstone
2-- jai-alai -yarn -savant
3-- craig anderson ferrero rocher
4-- countries
5-- gerberding
6-- urban ministry fears concerns
7-- allstate | | 8-- "Barry Bonds"
9-- "Randy Newman"
10-- "state farm"
11-- "syracuse basketball"
12-- 309-274-4500
13-- death star |
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February 23rd, 2007
02:42 am - Things You Cannot Do That Should Not Result In Self-Shame
If you search for the phrase "don't be ashamed if you can't," these are some of the helpful results! The Internet does wonders for my self-esteem!
1-- Pay your bills
2-- Tell the difference between Techno and Electronica music
3-- Identify wine at a blind tasting
4-- Lift a bowling ball
5-- Answer the brain teaser for fifth and sixth graders
6-- Afford a Louis Vuitton purse at age 12
7-- Play the Wii
8-- Get a Neopets trophy in Usuki Frenzy
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February 16th, 2007
02:10 am - Songs I Hate To Hear While Driving
I used to like many of them, but they're on all the time, and they must be stopped NOW.
1-- I Hope You Dance, Lee Ann Womack
2-- Hotel California, the Eagles
3-- London Bridge, Black Eyed Peas (I just know this song is in heavy rotation on Satan's iPod.)
4-- Bennie and the Jets, Elton John
5-- She Will Be Loved, Maroon 5
6-- Brick House, the Commodores
7-- City of Angels, Red Hot Chili Peppers
8-- Margaritaville, Jimmy Buffett (I heard this getting to AND leaving Houghton, on two different stations, on two different days. And it's the single LEAST appropriate song for arriving in Houghton in February.)
9-- Landslide, Fleetwood Mac
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01:59 am - Songs I (Would) Love To Hear While Driving
When I drive long distances, especially on the Thruway, I will frequently rest my arm on the armrest and stab the 'scan' button, flitting from station to station in search of a song I might enjoy. Some of these I've heard during those trips, some I haven't -- but what a drive it would be.
1-- Kiss From A Rose (esp. the acoustic version), Seal
2-- Billie Jean, Michael Jackson
3-- Girl Anachronism, Dresden Dolls
4-- I Will Lift My Eyes, Bebo Norman
5-- You Oughta Know (esp. the radio version), Alanis Morrisette
6-- She Don't Want Nobody Near, Counting Crows
7-- To Be With You, Mr. Big
8-- Superstition, Stevie Wonder
9-- Work, Jars of Clay
10-- Ain't No Sunshine, Bill Withers
11-- Open Arms, Journey
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February 12th, 2007
03:19 am - Best Super Bowl Commercials
Last year's worst and best lists. I took far more copious notes last year, as you can see. Emerald Nuts and Taco Bell both went from worst to best, while GoDaddy stayed in the basement (of course).
1-- The Super Bowl of Love with Dave and Oprah. "We both win, because we're in love." Maybe it's just because I watch him most nights, but it was one of only two commercials during the entire game that made me laugh out loud.
2-- The other one was the cute dreaming GM robot. I really could have done without the suicide attempt at the end, and maybe it's a little insensitive to laid-off human beings, but I liked the concept and the execution. I loved when it was holding up the "Condos For Sale" sign - brilliant.
3-- Taco Bell's talking lions. I generally hate talking animals, but these were wry enough (and the rest of the field bad enough) to make it. It helps that I can't trill my R's, just like that lion on the right, so I felt personally included.
4-- Robert Goulet for Emerald Nuts. Goulet!
5-- If there has to be a fifth, I'd give it to careerbuilder.com's jungle office series. Pretty good concept on the whole, and I loved the armor of office supplies.
6-- Oh! I can't forget Kevin Federline for Nationwide Insurance and fast food restaurants everywhere. Self-deprecation (a la Fabio last year) is a guaranteed hit. Rollin' VIP indeed!
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02:55 am - Worst Super Bowl Commercials
1-- The Garmin Map-o-saurus fight. The music made me nervous and the fight scene irritated me. I wanted them both to lose; it was like watching a duel between Ann Coulter and Hillary Clinton, except with eight times the estrogen from Garmin's little version of Catwoman.
2-- The Fed-Ex moon office. People on the moon float! FedEx has a futuristic spaceship! That guy got hit by a comet! Stop! My sides!
3-- The second homemade Doritos commercial. At first I didn't like the one that aired first, but upon another viewing, it was actually pretty good. But this second one had about 90% of America fighting off involuntary shudders. And that was just at the sight of the mustache.
4-- Sales Genie. Too much has been said about this ad already. That Pierce. What a man.
5-- I will not link to GoDaddy's ad. I hate them.
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January 24th, 2007
12:54 am - Nicknames I Have Given Others
1-- Hoss
2-- Cow of the Many Worlds
3-- Pancakes
4-- Minner
5-- Nogginhead
6-- Tractor
7-- Hyacinth Lullaby
8-- Moose
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12:53 am - Nicknames I Have Been Given
1-- Ducky
2-- Mad Max
3-- NASA
4-- Sven
5-- Maxwell House
6-- Esteban
7-- K
8-- Moose
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December 7th, 2006
10:44 am - Verbatim Quotes From Today's Class Presentation Handout
How enlightening.
1-- "Idiots generally have an IQ below 25, have no understanding of reason, and can't tell who his mother or father is."
2-- "The fact that a retard can't refrain from murder doesn't mean that he didn't understand what he was doing which would make him less culpable"
3-- "Mild retardation was not considered cruel back then."
4-- "Majority finds that retards are more predisposed to commit willfully serious and cruel crimes than average killers."
5-- "However, no"
6-- "Punishments are cruel and unusual punishments are those that would be considered cruel at the time of adopting the Bill of Rights along with modern standards of decency."
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November 30th, 2006
01:10 am - Concerts Most Recently Attended
1-- Tim Brown and Carissa Matthews, Jabberwocky Cafe, Syracuse, NY (11/17)
2-- Bill Cosby, Landmark Theatre, Syracuse, NY (11/10)
3-- Jars of Clay and Matt Wertz, Wesley Chapel, Houghton, NY (11/9)
4-- Death Cab for Cutie and Ted Leo & Pharmacists, Auditorium Theatre, Rochester, NY (10/27)
5-- Tim Brown and Jessica Brown, Jabberwocky Cafe, Syracuse, NY (10/20)
6-- David Crowder, Third Day and HyperStatic Union, Broome Cty. Arena, Binghamton, NY (10/1)
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November 15th, 2006
02:32 am - Songs Performed by 'Maxon,' 11/9/06
1-- "He Gave Her Water" - K. Lancaster (a cappella)
2-- "Everything We Need" - K. Lancaster (a cappella)
3-- "Cast" - K. Irving
4-- "Returning" - V. McDermott/S. Maxon
5-- "The Lord Shall Provide" - T. Grant | 6-- "How Great" - J. Maxon
7-- "You Are" - S. Maxon
8-- "Baby One More Time" - M. Martin
9-- "Incorruptible" - D. Sweet/S. Maxon
10-- "I'd Like To Visit the Moon" - J. Moss | 11-- "Bein' Green" - J. Raposo
12-- "Old Brown's Daughter" - J. Burke/R. Hynes (a cappella)
13-- "Worship" - J. Maxon
14-- "Revive Our Souls" - S. Maxon
15-- "What You Own" - J. Larson |
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November 4th, 2006
01:01 am - Suggested Categories for Greeting Cards
1-- "Why Do You Make Me Hurt You?"
2-- "Let's Try Co-Dependency"
3-- "Take It Like A Man, Grandma"
4-- "See What You Made Me Do?"
5-- "Let's Take The 'Strain' Out of 'Restraining Order'"
6-- "I'm Sorry I Called You 'Mom'"
7-- "Thanks For Coming On Maury"
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November 1st, 2006
05:48 pm - Brainstormed Responses to Nonexistent Questions About My Missing Goatee
Well, it's been two full days, and just like last time, no one mentioned the departure of my goatee. What is more, this one was considerably more noticeable and remarked-upon than the last. The unobservant include, by the way, both of my parents and everyone at the law school. In fact, even Djere, whose criticism of my facial hair has consistently bordered on the obscene, spent a few hours with me last night without a single peep.
Now frankly, I don't care whether it's noticed or not, but it did prevent me from using these responses I cooked up on the walk to class, for the comment, "So you shaved off your goatee?"
1-- *tear up, bite lip* "It's with the angels now."
2-- "I won a bet."
3-- *nod knowingly* Stage whisper: "Rapture."
4-- *frantic pawing at chin* "What?!" *dawning awareness* "MENDOOOOOOOOOOZAAAAAAAA!!!"
The streak ended this Friday, by the way, when the captain of our flag football team saw me and immediately said, "Hey, you got rid of that [Obscure Wrestler With A Goatee] thing!" If I find out the name of the wrestler, I'll toss it in there.
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October 19th, 2006
12:23 am - Instructions For Warm Air Hand Dryers
Have you ever seen one that didn't look like this?
1-- Push Button
2-- Rub Hands Gently Under Warm Air
3-- Stops Automatically
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October 15th, 2006
11:17 pm - Actual Categories of Greeting Cards
Does Wal*Mart have to be so specific? And will they ever start carrying cards with the opposite sentiments? Ah, but that's another list (tomorrow, perhaps?)...
1-- "I Know I'm Not Always Easy To Be With"
2-- "Let Me Be Your Birthday Present"
3-- "You Didn't Deserve This"
4-- "Loving You Is My Purpose"
5-- "Angels Are Taking Special Care of You"
6-- "Day By Day Things Will Straighten Out"
7-- "You Rank Extra High on the 'Friend Scale'"
8-- "Why Do We Have to Go Through Times Like This?"
9-- "Now It's My Turn to Be There for You"
10-- "When I Look at You, I See How Much I Love You"
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October 6th, 2006
01:47 am - Non-Edifying Three-Word Testimonies, Vol. 2
Tom found his list! And then I added another few.
1-- "Titanic Sequel Forthcoming"
2-- "Clown Pants Fit"
3-- "Cat Stopped Dancing"
4-- "Phantom Arm Gone"
5-- "New Incontinence Product"
6-- "Burned Down Denny's"
7-- "Got Yanni's Autograph"
8-- "Off The Wagon"
9-- "Not Wearing Pants"
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October 3rd, 2006
11:36 pm - Non-Edifying Three-Word Testimonies
This past Sunday, our pastor asked us to share a way God had blessed us recently, but asked us to limit the testimony to "two or three words."
After everyone was done, Thomas and I busied ourselves for a short while coming up with unhelpful responses. He has the list, but here are some I remember, and some new ones.
1-- "On Springer Tomorrow"
2-- "Dogs Finally Died"
3-- "Took A Nap"
4-- "Rash Went Away"
5-- "Restraining Order Expired"
6-- "Bet the Over"
7-- "Rosie O'Donnell"
8-- "Not the Father"
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September 21st, 2006
12:48 am - Actual Products Advertised in the 1913 World Almanac
Okay, I'm back at it. And there's nowhere better to pick up than one of my favorite books, the best five dollars I've ever spent in a barn -- the 1913 World Almanac!
1-- The Blickensderfer, Model No. 8
2-- Daniels' Worm Expeller
3-- Fatoff Obesity Cream
4-- Keene's Glad-Pheet
5-- The Electric Respirone
6-- The Improved Eager Intestine Cleaner | | 7-- Vapo-Cresolene
8-- The Flying Merkel
9-- Dr. Young's Peptopads
10-- Kellogg's Sanitone Wafers
11-- Pyramid Pile Remedy
12-- The Climax Gas Machine |
And I discuss a bonus advertisement over here.
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August 9th, 2006
08:56 pm - Great Moments From Leviticus
These were the skits that my cabin (5 14/15-yr-olds) and I performed last week at Camp Shiloh, to critical acclaim and great reward, with almost no preparation time.
Now for something ridiculous --
great moments from Leviticus!
1-- Monday afternoon: Leviticus 9:18-10:2.
Sacrifice of a ram, complete with presentation of the 'fatty tail,' 'kidneys,' and the 'fatty lobe attached to the liver.' (All intestines portrayed by cafeteria food.) Fire came out from God and consumed the offering. Sons of Aaron offer profane fire before God. (Profane fire portrayed by campers waving yellow and red streamers, yelling 'Darn' and 'Heck.') Fire came out from God and consumed them.
2-- Tuesday afternoon: Leviticus 11:4-30.
Clean and unclean animals. Campers portray camels, swine, geckos (offering savings on car insurance), eagles, kites, and lizards. Lizards act out anecdote from chapel. Chameleon comes out last and puts soccer ball under stomach to blend in with assistant director.
3-- Tuesday evening: Leviticus 20:27 (deleted scene).
Campers discuss shirt sizes and pull out stones to confront the unlucky medium.
4-- Wednesday morning: Leviticus 19:32 (deleted scene).
Campers greet counselors but pay special honor to the 'gray-headed' director.
5-- Wednesday evening: Leviticus 27:1-7 (deleted scene).
Valuation of people devoted to God. Camper dresses as woman in wig and fat suit. Heretofore unsurpassed shock value.
6-- Thursday afternoon: Leviticus 13:47-59.
Leprous plague in clothing. Man taken to the priest. Priest declares clothing leprous. Man washed with giant bucket of water. One week passes. Priest declares clothing clean. Another giant bucket comes out, but campers change course at last second to throw it at the girls. Girls scream. Streamers come out of bucket. Previous shock value surpassed. Priest declares clothing unclean. Fire required. Attempts at producing fire by others prove unsuccessful. Fire finally summoned by a capella performance of "I Want It That Way" by all male Judah counselors. Clothing consumed.
7-- Friday morning: Leviticus 19:27 (deleted scene).
While announcing that we will portray the law of bodily discharge, I disfigure the edges of my beard. Campers violently attack me.
8-- Friday afternoon: Leviticus 13:1-40.
Leprosy musical. Follows the story of one camper with a leprous scab and his journey to the priest. Dialogue intermingled with songs performed by other male cabins, with leprosy-related lyrics set to the tunes of "O Canada," "The Thong Song," "Let It Rain," and "Start Spreading the News" with my brother Jere playing the part of Sinatra. Scab continually increases in size through the addition of more campers to the afflicted one's leg. Big finish: all male campers on our team come out for kick-line and join in singing "It's leprosy!"
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